Whatever happened to wifely duty? Any thought that sex should still be included in the list of obligations that come with tying the knot is likely to be greeted with a hoot of derision by women today.
Wives willingly embrace far more tedious demonstrations of devotion like searching shopping centres for his favourite Y-fronts, to say nothing of bearing and raising his sprogs. But as for having a quick romp in the sack when they aren't quite in the mood that's beyond the pale.
These days unless women want sex it just doesn't happen. Women's right to say no has been enshrined in our cultural history since the 1960s when women's sexual rights became a rallying cry. As terrible stories of marital rape and sexual violence claimed the public's attention, women's right to refuse sex became fundamental to decent relations between the genders.
The new rule was that sex must wait until women are well and truly in the mood. But that was where we went wrong. The assumption that women need to want sex to enjoy it has proved a really damaging sexual idea, one that has wrought havoc in relationships for the past 40 years.
The problem is that in long-term relationships men are far more likely to retain their sexual drive than their partners. The No1 sexual problem plaguing women is low libido which means couples everywhere are struggling with a mismatch in desire. Women lie in bed worrying the hand will come creeping over. Men spend their lives grovelling for sexual favours. The gap between them in bed becomes a chasm.
This night-time drama is the source of great tension and unhappiness. Last year I recruited 98 ordinary couples to keep diaries recording their intimate negotiations over sex. The most powerful responses came from men, as their frustration pour out in a howl of disappointment and anger.
Many reported feeling duped, stunned that their needs are so totally ignored. But they rarely publicly voice these concerns. In the early 1960s, Betty Friedan wrote in The Feminine Mystique about ''the problem that has no name'' women's unvoiced frustrations with their housewifely role. Women live unexamined lives, she said and encouraged women to say, ''I want something more''. We have been saying it, very loudly, ever since. But now it is men who live unexamined lives, keeping their hidden yearnings to themselves. Their ''problem that has no name'' is sexual frustration.
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